Ex's & Fishes

Either you remain friends with them, or you hate them. OK, maybe not hate, but loathing definitely comes to mind.

Through life we all have those we have fallen madly in love with or those we have settled for but sooner or later, we all have an ex or two or three depending on the individual lifestyle.

My first ex-husband was very abusive and I was a very naive girl when we married. I had just lost my father and was lost myself when everyone thought the bright idea would be to go with him because he could "take care" of me. Oh he took care of me all right. Two years and two children later, I found myself divorced with two small children under the age of two and only 19 myself. Not to mention the traumatic scars he left behind on me emotionally. I was 1500 miles away from any family and the only choice I had was to stand or fall. I stood. He definitely became a man I "loathed".

My second ex-husband was a very kind man and very big hearted. We had met online and became fast friends. I was still struggling with the whole "gay" issue and trying to be the good "christian" woman so when he asked me to marry him, I said yes thinking I would put an end to the struggle once and for all. Of course we all know that wouldn't happen because inside I was miserable. It took he and I about a year to figure out that we weren't as compatible as we thought. He went back out on the road and moved back to the south. He and I are still friends.

If you are intimate with someone, the emotions are so up front that it can be almost mind boggling. Some people can cut off the emotion and just enjoy the sex while others have to be all emotional and then try to connect the sex to the emotions. That would mean that if there is sex, there is emotion and therefore the two cannot survive without each other.

When there is intimacy between two people who have known one another a long time, then there is understanding and communication. Of course there is also emotion because there was an actual intellectual attraction in the first place for them to become friends.

So if there is an intellectual and a physical attraction, intimacy become natural and mutual respect and understanding is there as well. The hard part of all this is when an intimacy is born out of a physical attraction only. The intellectual did not exist. Then you find yourself not strong enough to pull away and base your decisions on emotion instead of logic.

Those, including myself, that have been caught up in the moment so to speak, find that they are just that, caught. It is like watching a fish that has just been caught flopping around on the ground usually causing more injury to themselves than the one that caught them. If the fish succeeds and finds itself back in the water, (maybe the line broke, maybe it was severed and maybe they were able to flop around enough to make it to the edge of the boat and jump), either way, they are still injured and have to take the time to heal. For some, healing is long because the scars are so deep. For others, they heal quickly and are able to be lured again. Still, there are those who after being "caught" again and again never learn from the mistakes they made the first few times. I find myself among those who have been "caught" a few times not learning because of ignorance or stubbornness.It takes that that one time being caught that something snaps and the realization of it all comes flooding in.

I have learned now from my mistakes and although I can be lured, the decision to strike and take that bite is mine and mine alone. Caution is no more thrown to the wind in hopes of "finding that one true love".

Love is something that takes time, respect, consideration and ultimately becomes a choice that we make.

So you see, exes are a good thing because they have taught us how to look inside ourselves and realize the strength we had all along.

I know this because I have found my "one true love". We have the best of all three, emotional, intellectual and physical attraction in our relationship. I have never found that with anyone in my past relationships and I am truly grateful that the Universe gave me my perfect love. We have been together 2.5 years and still going strong!